Sunday, April 17, 2011

cigs and water balloons.

Like the spark from my last cigarette that exploded as it hit the pavement, so to has my being sparked and gone out. scattered to the winds and slowly drifting as the last ounce of heat radiates out into the world. my lungs full of the last inhale i took before i tossed it aside. I think to myself about holding onto it forever. never breathing. because the moment i let out my breath so to goes the last of all my securities. But breathing i must so i let it out. instantly i felt a change. my eyes no longer filled the the gusto they used to be, which is bad when i could feel the change from the inside instead of trying to look into my soul from a mirror. and as the water stains the concrete at the SNU parking lot i being to wonder just how much symbolism, or maybe it was from the water that now soaks my back from the balloon chucked from a student driving by. Either one was not as cold as the feeling of complete and utter rejection I got only moments after. I begin to realize just how far i am from who i want to be, or even see myself as now. Not to qoute Gavin Castleton, but "I feel like a boy pretending to do man things" and when reality checked in a boy is all i am. Yes this is all mellowdramatic, yes i'm complaining, and yes i know its trivial. But how can i being to move on without figuring some what to sort out my feelings? my emotions? my problems. I begin to wonder just how far from my words i act. as i watch myself in the mirror i recognize myself but looking back on my actions i barely know who i am. Lifes a journey and full of exploration of not only whats around you but yourself. It seems i have not learned anything on this journey and just now realizing that. Tonight has been one realization after another. I'm wet, cold, hurt, sad, and have tossed my last cig to the wind and watched as it carried the last ounce of emotion and openness i was willing to give. People are cruel, even if its for the better, and i'm done trying to work everything out. I'm me, i dont know what that really means. nor do i care anymore. As long as i work and pay my bills no one cares right? I'm tired, worn out, expunged of all my joy and positivity. never had much anyway. and if this is the way the world wants to let me know it cares as much for me as a water balloon sailing towards the air. than thats fine, never liked the world much anyway. Its time to go back to what i was. A shut in video game player with no life. at least on line im awesome.